A Bigfoot sighting in Colorado made the news earlier this week. The video, shot from a train, shows a large, hairy, bipedal creature lumbering across hilly terrain. It then hunkers down and tries to blend in with its surroundings—the same way I would if some jackass recorded me without my consent. (Yes, I'm saying if I were walking my dog and someone pointed a phone in my direction, I would squat behind a bush and wait for them to leave.)
Based on "evidence" presented on Reddit—whose users are never wrong—this was a hoax. They claim it's a man in a costume; allegedly someone from a nearby business that has "Sasquatch" in its name. This individual is known to suit up for passing trains. Although I'm sure that's normal behavior for the mountain folk of southwestern Colorado, I don't accept that theory.
I say it's a Bigfoot in a Bigfoot suit.
Full disclosure: has a Redditor beaten me to the punch on this theory already? Yes. Of course. There's always someone with less of a life than you or I, ready and willing to chime in. But I came up with my version of it before seeing their post. And I take it much further. It's what I do.
This particular Bigfoot is unique. He's the Albert Einstein and Neil Armstrong of their species all rolled into one. He has to be. He's an Alpha Bigfoot. "Albie," as I'll call him, watched from the woods every time the owner of that business got into his costume. He saw him waiting for an approaching train, dashing out onto the hillside, and bounding around in the hopes someone had a camera pointed at him. "This fucking guy," Albie grunted in his language. "He's drawing attention to me and my kin, and something's gotta be done."
To be continued…