Oh, I'mma fall on those stairs.
It's not a question of "if," it's a question of "when."
It'll happen because the law of averages is a cold, cruel tyrant.
I've lived in this house nineteen years. I have to go up those stairs because that's where my bedroom is. I have to go down those stairs because that's where the coffee is. Counting bedtime, I risk that trip at least three times a day. Total all that up and we're talking 41,610 chances of serious injury and counting.
I'm not saying I haven't tripped on an ascent or two. I've even done it with a mug of java in my hand and managed to not spill the whole thing. You can still see faded brown spots on the carpeting. But the dangerous one is the descent.
I could screw up and misjudge the number of stairs toward the bottom because I'm feeling all cocky, just smirking and thinking, I got this. Or it could happen right at the top step on a morning after I've decided, Yeah, I don't even need to hold the railing today because I'm a grown-ass man.
Oh, I'mma fall on those stairs for sure.
When it happens, it'll happen fast. I'll barely have time to cry out before I'm knee-deep in that shit. My wife's statement to the police will be, "I heard him scream, 'Oh, no!' and then a series of thunks and thumps before it was quiet again." And if the cop asks why she didn't check on me, her reply will be, "I went back to sleep because I thought it was a dream. My husband had navigated those stairs 41,610 times over nineteen years. He was always so sure-footed. I believed in him. But I was sleepy, too."
And there I'd be: crumpled and twitching. Head facing the wrong way. Hoping my life hadn't been some boring version of The Truman Show. Because the producers would use this exact moment to put me in a Life Alert commercial. Have you seen those lately? They're horrific. They look like they're shot by James fucking Wan. You half expect a goddamned nun to zoom out of the background and put the old, moaning stair-faller out of their misery.
Oh, I'mma definitely fall on those stairs to help Life Alert scare the elderly.