My neighbors climb ladders in November and December to staple strings of colored lights to their rooftops. They do this every year because of a fictional bearded man (who you thought I meant says a lot about you). These neighbors devote many hours to this tradition, usually on a Saturday. I've always been able to find better things to do with my weekends, like napping or daydreaming about how nice it is to not crawl around on a slippery roof during the worst months to do that.
Before you label me a Grinch, you should know that my wife does wrap twinkling lights around the porch's railings. It's safe and doesn't require her to wear shoes with spiked soles. She's done within an hour. Then she comes back inside to watch me sleep. After I wake, I go to the garage to find the LED projector. I stick it in the ground, plug it in, and lights appear all over the front of my house: Christmas trees, bells, candy canes, etc. Then I'm back inside pouring a whiskey before Pete, the Boomer on the roof across the street, notices me and curses my lazy generation.
The projector is powerful. Its lights shine through our drapes. Tiny red and green dots hit the furniture and walls of our living room.
This morning, several hours before sunrise, I came downstairs and thought those swirling dots formed the shape of a small, invisible person sitting on my couch. He turned his head toward me. I'm calling him Snowflake Tom because of the projector's pattern at that moment, and because he spoke in a gravelly voice like Tom Waits. "Good morning, Dave," he said, somehow knowing my name. "What's on the agenda today?"
"Coffee with cream, for starters," I said. "Would you like some?"
"No thanks. That shit goes right through me." His snowflakes rotated and turned from green to red. "You gonna nap today?"
"For sure. It's Saturday."
"Well, set your alarm for two p.m.," he said. "Pete's ladder is gonna fall backwards, he'll brain himself on the flagpole, and rip his Let's Go Brandon flag on the way down."
"Oh, shit," I said. "Will he be okay, Snowflake Tom?"
He shrugged. "If I tell you, you might not watch. And you're really gonna wanna see this shit."
I set a reminder. I can always nap afterwards.